11.29.07
another day, another drama
After six long, long hours of studying, I laid my little head down to sleep after midnight. I took that Anatomy and Physiology test this morning and I felt obnoxiously confident after I was done with the test. It was so nice to exhale and feel okay, like I had mastered my chapter, like I was done fabulously. I felt like dancing, but I just relished in the fact that yeah, I kicked some serious donkey.
Tomorrow I’m off to Mizzou to discover my future, and see if I like it as much as I always thought it would be. A three hour long drive is nothing compared to how I want to fly away, but I hope my parents don’t just shatter because of how their little girl is all grown-up. This day was always coming; I’ve always known where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, how I want my future to play out, but my parents never really wanted to accept it. But my future is now, and my parents have to accept it. My mom can’t keep putting this off.
I just keep praying, keep praying, keep praying for my future until my those moments I dream about I’ll be living in. Until my independence will be real, and my responsibilities will overshadow pointless drama.
Gosh, I’m so cynical today. Why? I have a thousand more reasons to be happy than upset right now, and they all happen to be wrapped up in his arms. Maybe when I get a hug from James in a few hours I’ll be happier, and all my inner angst will melt away.
11.27.07
j’aime
You and your ways
Capture what I’ve misplaced
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart’s reaction
[I'm going to whine, be prepared]
I’m so tired of high school. So, so tired of it all. Stupid cliches, obnoxious activities, hyped-up drama, lies in most ridiculous fashion, and above, the masquerade of public education that we all participate in every day. I’ve been accepted to Journalism School at Mizzou, I know where I’m headed, I know where my path is leading and I have an idea of what God wants me to do for the rest of my life. So why am I stuck in this sick cycle carousel of routine, over and over again, pretending to be excited about LPA, pretending to be shocked over the cutest couple breaking up, sighing at all the right times and faking smiles when another acceptance letter comes in.
I’m tired of all of it, and I just want to be an adult already.
My life is in this ying-and-yang right now. I’m so incredibly, breath-takingly happy about being with James. He came into my life for a reason, a purpose, and I know that God intended on us being together. For the first time in /any/ relationship I’ve ever been in, I don’t feel guilty. I’m not being a girlfriend for the sake of companionship, I’m not searching for a cheap thrill, I’m not begging with my eyes for some kind of affection, I’m just existing in the joy of a blooming relationship that I prayed about, and that I was blessed with.
Then, there’s my little brother and all of his problems. My family is a mixture of extremes: the conflicts with him and his ‘education’, and the lack of attention being placed on me in my shining hour. I was published in /another/ newspaper today, and because my brother was having a bad day at school, I barely got any form of acknowledgment from my mom. I know it’s selfish and silly, my accomplishments shouldn’t overshadow all of that, but I’d like a huge and a “we’re so proud of you,” every one in a while, instead of just expecting all A’s with no questions asked.
I love and respect my family more than I think I even realize, but still, there are a lot of details of our relationship that I wish I could change.
On my face is a half frown, half smile, and I’m so blessed to have those moments with someone who holds me like he will never let go. I’m allowed to be as silly as I want to be with him, and only holds my hand and laughs right along with me.
Yay.
This point of view
is nothing that I’m used to, but I
won’t close my eyes
‘Cause they’re on to you
squeal!
If I could write the amount of joy that I have in my heart right now, I’d be an international best seller.
First moments are meant to be remembered, they’re meant to be etched in a memory, locked inside a bit of ourselves that we refuse to share, the moments that create who we want to be. The dreams came true, the seconds savored, the barely able to speak moments before the release of a estrogen-induced squeal.
I feel like flying.
My heart went boom, and I don’t want to look for the pieces.
11.26.07
its.the.end.of.the.world.as.we.know.it
Boom.
Nuclear bomb drops, your world ends. Life stops, you take a breath of radioactive air, and you open your eyes. What’s your first response?
I reach out for my iPod, my teddy bear, grasp my cellphone, and hold on tight. But in the midst of a universal crisis, why is my first instinct to cling to material goods, and desperately search for the familiar objects that play a game called ‘routine’ with me?
I was thinking about this concept late last night, after the adrenaline from seeing a hardcore show wore off, and I was stuck under the covers of a black comforter. Why, whenever I forget my cellphone at home, do I feel naked for an entire school day? Why do I feel disconnected from the world when I don’t check my facebook for twenty four hours? Why do I feel lonely and lost without my iPod, a CD, or the mind-numbing dull of a phat bass progressive electronic hit?
If I was to totally disconnect from society, just let myself go, throw myself off this technological mountain and land at the base of an eighteenth century ravine, how would I change? Would I still be the cute, awkwardly-nerdy Lauren I am today, or would I be stuck in a pre-medieval mindset? Would I feel the same pressure placed on me by commercials and ads in magazines to keep losing, keep losing, keep losing weight until I was choking on my own breath? Would my friends like me, or would I have to create an entirely new social circle because of my views on technology?
A bit deep, but just a few late questions for me.
Nothing else to blog about, really, besides listening to Prodigy and putting up out 15 foot Christmas tree. I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow.
Oh, and am I allowed to say I want another hug from James?
Yeah, I think I am.
[it's our one week anniversary]
11.25.07
skipping.a.song
Okay, so, I hate hardcore music.
Like, really, really, really hate hardcore music. I think it’s redundant, random, maddening, sickening, obnoxious music that people in Saudi Arabia are mentally tortured by having to listen to it.
That being said, I drove to Joplin (for the second time this month) to see a hardcore show featuring my incredible boys, A Sleepless Legacy, The Band Who Took its Shirt Off, Rebellion’s Fall, and Strip the Colors.
When I’m cranking up tunes in my car, blaring out that bass and dancing obscenely with my steering wheel I’m listening to a mixture of trance, dance, or hard house – anything that I can move my hips in a rhythm to, actually. Electronica sooths my brain, it eases my senses, it takes away my stress and allows me to exhale.
So, electronica + hardcore = ?
Synthxcore
Strip The Colors is a blend of two worlds, the electronic, synthetic sounds of laptop blended in perfectly with the riffs of an amazing guitarist, and of course, all that screaming nonsense. But what I loved most about Strip the Colors was the nonsensical approach to their set: the lead singer literally handed off his microphone to a random person in the crowd for a period of time and allowed him to scream while the lead singer slam ‘danced’ in the ‘circle pit.’ These boys ended their songs with a totally unprofessional, humble attitude; essentially, their music did the talking, and their unique performance did all the work they needed to do.
They had more stage presence than the first band that was made up of twice the members, and had more attitude than the entire crowd.
Essentially, I fell in love.
I just added them on Myspace and will continue going to their shows when they’re in the area. They’re so…unique, I want to support them in their musical endeavors, and help prove that new genres are being created every day.
Anyways, that’s my rant about synthcore. The drive up to Joplin was an adventure, as always, and I had a blast with Garrett. He’s so fantastic, and he entertains me, like a good freshman in high school should. Three u-turns later, we ended up at the Foundry, and I watched the boys’ show.
Again, I know very little about this genre of music, but their performance tonight compared to two weeks ago was a thousand times better. My boy did a great job, and I forwarded several compliments his way.
Speaking of my boy, tonight I was inducted into ASL’s Girlfriend Club. It was a tad bit odd, being introduced to Keevan’s girlfriend by Grant’s girlfriend, laughing and talking about the boys and commenting about their performance, manning the merchandise booth and having a genuine connection to a band. It was nice feeling like a part of some secret public organization, and gaining friends just because of something so positive in my life.
After ASL’s set and James dragged all of his lights off stage, he and I went on a brief walk outside. Thinking about it makes me smile, and thinking about him makes me grin. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he gave me a hug. I had a great time with him tonight, and meeting his parents wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. His family had an expression on their face like they approved, but who knows.
I’m just trying to make James like me, right? Right.
11.24.07
[robot]rock
Today was a positive day on the whole. I had a great time, had a few laughs, shopped for a while, and kept a smile the entire way through.
Christmas is here.
Can you believe it? The most celebrated of American traditions is a mere four weeks away, and yeah, I’ve done very little shopping. Whatever happened to an orange and a candy cane under the Christmas tradition, a brief reading of the Nativity Story, and snuggling up by the fire as a family? Now we have Black Fridays, Gray Saturdays, billions of dollars to spend, and a world where love is evaluated by the amount of digits on a price tag. No matter how much I love ripping into synthetic paper, I wish we could all stop and smile on Christmas morning because of the actual meaning of the holiday, and not the expected gift unwrapped before us.
Ugh, it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and I’m already questioning the validity of the whole holiday ordeal? Issues, folks.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Daft Punk lately, and if you haven’t ever heard or seen those two men, you have to. Electronic genius was produced when they came together in the early 90’s, and yeah, I’ve been obsessed with them without knowing it for such a long time. Daft Punk has crept its way into the subconscious of American music without getting caught, and I have to admire them for it.
Listen to electronica. It’ll change your entire perspective of music.
11.23.07
music is my boyfriend ♥
Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Today’s the day when you sit down and evaluate the progress that you’ve made in the past year. 365 days of tragedy, scorn, drama, love, life, dreams, laughs, kisses, and endless possibilities of progres, all examined around an oval table surrounded by people who know you just because of a genetic connection, and a slight resemblance to your personality.
This morning started out with a tradition in itself, my parents yelling at me to crawl my way out of bed and join the social interaction of the small compact unit called a family. My mom was frantically straightening up the kitchen, family room, and dining room, preparing to impress a group of people that she gained acceptance from 30 years ago. I assisted her with the last minute preparations, set the table, and watched my dad make mashed potatoes for the thousandth time.
My conservative extended family arrived close to on time, and we dished up our plates. Mine, as usual, consisted of carbs only, and I ate far too many. I pouted when my dad wouldn’t let me put ketchup on my mashed potatoes, but I grew up and smiled, being the princess that he expects me to be in front of other people.
Then, the question:
“What are you thankful for?”
In descending chronological order, my family discussed what we were thankful for. I had, of course, prepared for my speech ahead of time, and listened intently to my family list off the generally acceptable list: God, family, life, America. You know, everything we love about Thanksgiving.
Then, it came to me.
How do you say you’re thankful? I’m not thankful, I’m ecstatic! I’m blessed with an incredible life that God has given me, and I have had such a wonderful year. Of course there were ups and downs, but on the whole, these past four seasons have been an enlightening journey, forcing me to look deep inside of myself and make some Big Girl decisions.
I’m thankful for the chance to grow into the woman that I’ve always wanted to be. God’s blessings have fallen down me like rain, each a small drop of water, uplifting me and covering me with joy.
What more can an eighteen year old, high school senior, fabulous young lady ask for?
Another hug from James would be great.
PS Blog title came from this song I’m obsessed with. You should listen to it.“Music is my Hot, Hot Sex” by CANSEI DE SER SEXY. So catchy.
11.21.07
news geek xoxo
We all saw it coming.
Over a month ago, the LA Times asked the question: “Is a writers’ strike really inevitable?” Obviously, a month and a thousand red STRIKE t-shirts later, the core of the modern entertainment industry has melted down, and we’re feeling the result of the blast.
Conan O’Brien’s re-runs every night, the Daily Show has crumbled before our Comedy Central hungry eyes, and I’m craving a new drama to catch my interest. Instead, I’m cuddling up on the couch with my old favorites: season one of West Wing, TBS re-runs of Sex&theCity, and, of course, Passport with Samantha Brown.
The last writers’ strike was in 1988 and lasted for five months; if the masters of the pen hold off for that long, who knows what will pop up on our television screens. Will more broadcast journalism shows pop up simply out of necessity, will Heroes simply freeze mid-season? These writers make a fraction of what major actors, producers, and network executives make on an annual basis, and they are now justifying their outcry for a salary that matches their energy. What’s Ugly Betty without the wit, or Grey’s Anatomy without the insane plot twists and love triangles? NBC, CBS, and ABC aren’t making television magic, they’re simply redistributing it, and the creators of modern entertainment are taking some power back. Not bad for people who are never in front of a camera.
At least I still have my books.
—
That was the entry I was required to write for my HTV Magazine blog, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. I wrote it off the top of my head, but I tend to write a tad more professionally when I know I have an audience of about 10k a month. This is the secret personal blog that no one except for him knows about, pretty much. I don’t mind at all – sometimes it’s nice just knowing that I can write and write and write, put it on the internet in plain sight, and no one will read it anyways. I love how big the internet’s became. It’s like this vast field of information, and you can never really find what you’re looking for.
I’m busy and stressed. Newspaper go-to-press day is tomorrow, and I’m more than half-way done. I left early tonight to go hang out with James, and honestly, I needed it. With James, no problems exist. Just happy smiles, silly giggles, “BOOM!”s, and sideway glances. The only downside is the fact that I feel about a tenth of my actual intelligence when I’m around him, and I laugh at the stupidest stuff. I don’t really care, though, because he’s just laughing right along with me.
And then he has to go to Tulsa Oklahoma City and be all social with his family at the Science Museum and the Mall. Remember, place emphasis on ‘Mall’ when you read that sentence. It’s very, very important.
Tomorrow’s half a day of work, a half day wasted. Then the great day of Thanks, because, well, we’re all nearly thankful enough on all the other days of the year. It’s the American way – question your priorities while stuffing your face.
Excuse me while I get back to some Groove Armada and Atonement. Goodnight.
11.19.07
new boy
Be prepared to giggle:
James and I are now…James&I.
Giggle giggle giggle! Silly, stupid, little girl giggle! I’m so happy. And not the smiley, silly happy – the delusional, floating, sort of giddy happy. God’s finally blessed me with a boy young man that makes me smile, laugh, and make me want to be a better person. It took him long enough to “man up” (that’s what all my gay friends kept telling me, “oh gurl, he just needs to MAN UP!”) and tell me what he was really feeling, but he is well worth the wait.
The amount of stress in my life is exponentially increasing, but if he’s holding my hand while I walk through all of this, I’m sure I can get through it all with a laugh and a smile.
