07.11.08
the mission statement
So I have this silly little habit of reading the Bible.
I know, I know, it’s clearly not something that my generation participates in regularly, but I try to read my Bible as much as possible. Somehow it calms me down, and allows me to re-evaluate my perspective and thoughts on the day that just occurred.
On Wednesday, I was flipping through the Old Testament and stumbled up on two key passages that I believe define me as an individual. Psalm 25 has been close to my heart ever since I was twelve, and I fell in love with the words of David, intricately describing the turmoil that I feel in my own heart.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
Psalm 25:17&18
I have struggled with depression my entire life, and sometimes it rears up and tries to suffocate me. On Monday night, I felt like I was drowning in myself. Like my entire world was frozen, and I was melting from the inside out, screaming as I felt this anger and anguish wash over me in some kind of wave. My depression comes and takes all of my energy, and I don’t know how to react to the world around me. I try to express how it makes me feel, but I can’t come close to how David paints a beautiful picture of despair in Psalms, and how I cry out to God in my greatest need.
I’m not one of those that believes that prayer can completely rid me of depression, and it took many years of secular therapy, medication, and belief in myself to control my episodes so that they last only for a couple of days at most, but, God’s love and strength helps me come out of that darkness and into His light.
Also, lately I’ve been pulled more and more towards Journalism, and I stumbled across a verse that I believe defines my pursuit as a journalist.
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy.
Proverbs 31:8-9
I will wear that verse on my heart and try to live up to its commands, officially adopting it as my mission statement as a journalist. My life, if revolved around those two verses, could help change the course of history. I want to help break the silence.
06.21.08
how do I change the future?
This week has been so crazy eventful.
I’ve been working full-time, running around like crazy, screaming disciplining 10, 11, and 12-year-olds eight hours a day, and trying to maintain a wonderful relationship all in the midst of it. On Wednesday, though, was James&I’s seven month anniversary. I know it’s no big deal, and that it really was something not to celebrate, we spent some time together by going to see The Incredible Hulk and had dinner at the ever-so-classy McDonald’s by his house. But afterwards, as I was in his arms under the stars, I realized strong our relationship is to be able to be working basically opposite schedules in totally different work situations, surronded by the chaos of him moving and me adjusting to the idea of moving away, and yet, we seem totally uneffected by it when we come together. I look into his eyes and the world melts away; nothing matters, just those few moments together with him.
I’d like to say that nothing’s too serious with us; but that would really, really be a lie. At the beginning of this relationship, I knew something was different. Something had changed in me that was reflected in his eyes and the way he looked at me: he loved me with a passion that God had given to him. I don’t think we just came together out of a random set of choice meetings or coincidences; I think he really was placed in my life by God to change me. I’ve started looking at the world in a much more positive light, grasping the concept of true, unconditional love.
Of course we have problems.
But they are so overwhelmed by the amount of problems we don’t have, and how well we really do get along.
Moving on, before I bore you with my boyfriend talk.
06.20.08
god bless you all.
Parents, I have so much respect for you now.
More than I could ever imagine.
Working with children is exhausting on every single level.
But I love every single moment of it.
06.10.08
don’t call it techno.
I’m an eighteen year-old princess that grew up in the Midwest with a teacher for a Mama and a lawyer for Daddy. I go to church every Sunday and drink my tea with a tablespoon-and-a-half of sugar, hot, and always with a book in hand. I make straight A’s and have a future that parents dream of: success, love, and livelihood.
However, a very little known fact about me is something that few understand or can explain.
I’m an undercover electronica addict.
Tiesto, Hixxy, AvB, Scott Brown, Ultrabeat, DJ Amber, Green Velvet, and a million others litter my iPod to the point of confusion to most of my friends as they scroll down my artist list. I listen to anything from drum and bass to happyxhardcore, swaying to pounding bass and cymbal crashes galore. And, for some reason or another, every summer I can’t seem to press pause on my never-ending RAVE! playlist. I roll my windows down, crank “Power of Love” up, and drive a little faster.
The same heart-pounding rhythms that infect my senses are found everywhere, underneath the most popular of hip-hop or the softest of pop songs, and I find myself always reaching out for those dance beats as the music fades.
But, I’ve finally found my online home for my electronic fix:
Digital Eargasm
A mixture of unpretentious, straight-forward posts containing the newest and hottest electronic dance tracks out there; exactly what my summer needed.
If you’re not looking to invest in another blog, just check out their ever-updating Hype Machine playlist. I recommend Elvis Presley’s “Let’s Play House” club mix.
Mmm, bass&synth.
Today’s my kind of day.
06.07.08
unique questions
1. What color(s) are there in your eyes? For example, mine are greenish-hazel but they have several different colors in them if you look at them up close. My eyes have cobalt in them, a bright turquoise, and some gray around the edges. Please refer to the picture to the right to see an actual photo of my eyes.
2. Aside from any current relationships, what was your closest relationship ever? I was really, really good friends for a long period of time with a girl named Brenna. She and I were best friends for thirteen years to the point of seeing each other every single day and sharing every thought, every dream, every moment of our lives together. But due to a series of over-dramatic, silly events, we haven’t spoken in years (basically since I was thirteen).
3. Do you have any health problems? If so, what are they? I have some allergy issues that are semi-serious (anything with fur, pollen, ragweed, etc) and semi-serious asthma that’s under control 98% of the time. Also, I have to wear contacts or glasses, and I have a high tolerance for pain and the cold. Just ask James, I can handle anything cold weather wise.
4. Have any of your romantic fantasies come true? I received my first kiss in the rain a long time ago, and that lived up to my dreams. Also, my first kiss was wonderfully romantic and I could not think of better circumstances. I really look back at that moment with joy and gladness in my heart. I’ve never really had a truly romantic evening, but, I’m only eighteen. I don’t need a lot of romance yet…don’t want to spoil the character.
5. What is your body fat percentage? Ummm…I don’t know.
6. Is there anything you’ve been thinking about obsessively of late? Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. He must bite her.
7. Have you ever posted a secret to a post secret site on livejournal or elsewhere? I’ve submitted two post cards to PostSecret. They have not been posted or published to my knowledge, and I won’t disclose what the secrets were.
8. Would you rather be a taxi driver, a doctor, or an accountant? I would love to be a taxi driver. I could meet so many interesting people and drive like crazy and it be excusable. Plus, I would have to learn phrases in multiple languages, right? Or at least I’d try.
9. Do you like karaoke? Who does like karaoke? I like music when people can sing.
10. Have you ever hung upside down from the side of your bed till you felt spacey? I don’t believe that people really do that.
11. If you were given $1000 upon the condition that you spend it on small, inexpensive items what would you buy? I’d McDonald’s for James and I until the money ran out. That’s like a hundred dates paid for. Heck yes! Oh, and I’d go to Target and buy lots of things on the dollar spot. It’s happy times, always, on the dollar spot. .Yay! Target is the best.
12. What is one thing you would like people to say about you at your funeral? “Lauren believed in others, but she also always believed in herself. Her abilities as a writer were discovered at a very young age, and she found her inner strength through her ability to write. She created and discovered, explored and endeavored to find the true meaning of existence, and always followed the path that was laid out for her by her Creator. May her warm and loving spirit be remembered by all that she touched, and may her legacy continue for all time.”
13. What do you picture your life to be like ten years from now? Ten years from now I will be working at a major publication doing international reporting on culture and travel. I will be living somewhere in Europe, hopefully Paris or London, and contemplating the idea of starting a family with my husband.
14. Do you think everyone is a little crazy? I believe that we all should be in therapy at least twice a week, group and individual.
15. Describe a favorite art/craft project you worked on as a child: A basket I weaved with my grandmother that my mother uses to this day to hold pens and pencils on her desk. It had beads and was very intricately woven. I loved working on it, and was very proud of how it turned out. Eight years later, it’s still in very good shape. I think my mom is more proud of it than anything else I’ve produced. Ever.
16. How do you feel you have changed most markedly since you were five years old? I believe that I have developed the ability to understand my position in the world. When I was five, my brother had just been diagnosed with autism, and my purpose in the world was to make my parent’s lives as easy as possible since they were dealing with so much emotionally with my little brother. I just sat back and was a good kid, and I never really caused any problems. Ever since, I’ve been trying (for the most part) to be a good daughter in everything that I do. But I really have began to value myself in the last few years. I’m more than devoted to my family and its needs, I’m my own person with my own future. That’s why moving to Columbia is so important to me; I have to go explore the world on my own now, not just to get away from my family, but for my family to get away from me.
17. What is the most important thing you learned in the last year? To embrace my flaws and work with them, instead of ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist. I’m a composition of my positive and negatives, and ignoring my negatives only accentuates them in the long run. I just am working to progress.
18. If you were shut inside of an isolation chamber, with no sound and only blackness, how might you react? I’d start breathing very slowly to not start panicking, and I’d try to relax, hopefully sleeping until I was rescued. If I was still there when I woke-up, I’d start trying to feel around for an exit.
19. Quick. Imagine something. What did you imagine? Ice cream. Strawberry flavored ice cream.
20. How might you change the ending of a favorite novel? At the end of Deathly Hallows I would have had Hermione and Draco fly off together into the night, declaring their love for each other for all to hear. Draco and Hermione were meant for each other, and I’ll always believe that.
21. Do you give good massages? Yes, I believe I do. At least good back rubs.
22. Which country do you think might suit you best? J’adore la Francais. France is where my heart and soul resides, and I will live there for an extended period in my life. Paris is where my soul sang to me. It’s old world charm with progressive culture and politics just fits into my personality so well.
23. Think of a close friend. What color(s) does his/her personality fit best? Kyle is such a cool green. He’s contemplative and insightful, relaxed and fun, but he’s never too bright or too dull. He simply is a person to admire and to love, to strive for and to seek. I love being around Kyle, and he’ll be a part of my life for a long time. His cool green compliments my cool gray very well.
24. How do you feel when you are in love? Like I can fly, like I can breath, like I can do anything that could possibly be thought of. I’m a princess with an endless kingdom, and a prince to hold my hand.
25. How might you survive if you were homeless for half a year? Out of a huge, fabulous, designer purse. I’ll have a Chanel shopping cart.
06.02.08
you’re my favorite.
I’ve been listening to a lot of different music lately.
“Just For Tonight” by Ville Valo and Mana has been stuck in my head, over and over again, with images of Bella and Edward staring into each other’s eyes and diving into a world that I long to be a part of. Yes, I’ve became a Twilighter, and I don’t ever want to go back. Stephenie Meyer is an incredible writer with a vision of detail and purpose in her novels, and I could not be more thrilled with the quality of the Twilight series. There are so few real quality young adult fiction novels (with the exception of C.S. Lewis, JKR, and of course, John Green) that I can barely stand to read the inside covers of this novels, but Twilight stood out to me. I gave it a shot, and was throughly rewarded, and have passed along my stolen copy to two people so far (including a boyfriend that will never admit to reading it). I’m thrilled with the series, and can’t wait for Breaking Dawn to come out on August 12…not to mention the movie that comes out on December 12.
Oh, why did I have to fall in love with another series?
Another song that’s been obscenely infectious to me has been a song by Kanye West, “Flashing Lights.” Kanye and I have a love hate relationship, mostly comprising of contradictions. His blog is actually relatively cool, and has some interesting little tidbits of no real content attached to them, but the photos are interesting and I love his “buy this” mentality towards fashion and material wealth. He is highly fashionable in a pretentious but accepting way, and I love how he creates trends by simply believing he is better than everyone else, sort of like the… diva of the rap industry, and I don’t really mind divas. What I do mind, even though it was a few years back at the beginning of the hip hop mogul’s career, was the infamous incident. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about before you click the link. I actually was watching the broadcast live when he uttered the famous phrase, and I’m still as dumbfounded towards addressing the comment as I was on my bed that night.
Strangely enough, re-watching that clip, he reminds me of Justin C-F so much. Blatant arrogance and statement of a controversial idea without any sign of indication of the consequences of his words. I <3 Justin, though, and he’s hilarious when he stays in socially acceptable boundaries.
I also am totally in love with Madonna’s new album, Hard Candy. It’s wonderful. It’s powerful. I wish I could see her live, but I’m looking about a $1,000 worth of expenses to be able to go. I <3 you Madge, but not that much.
05.19.08
this is the end, my only friend, the end.
Today, I graduate from high school.
It’s simply the strangest sensation that I’ve ever had with the knowledge of the fact; my future is a blur, my past is fading fast, and I’m leaning on the understanding of what I’ve learned on four little years. Out of the hundreds that I’ve past by every day, I only have a handful of friends, and one that I consider a true friend after a four year residency at Hillcrest High School, and I’m not sad about leaving.
What I am a little scared of is leaving my childhood, and blooming into an adult.
My mother wrote me a letter this morning, and presented it to me after Graduation practice. I won’t quote the highly-personal letter that my mother wrote to me in the blend of cursive and print that I’ve grown to mimic, but, in the letter she referred to me as, for the very first time, a young woman. To my parents, I’ve always been the little girl that had contained all their hopes and dreams, their fears and their aspirations, their dedication and their legacy–but now, I am metaphysically breaking out of my porcelain frame into a world that recognizes me equal to the parents that have sheltered me for so long.
I have so few cares and responsibilities, but so many worries and hopes as I enter this next stage of my life. I’ve been a dedicated, motivated, and outstanding student for these past four years (graduating top 5% of my class, being involved in all the right groups, volunteering, giving myself completely to school), but now the foundation that I stood on so firmly these past nine months is weakening, and I find myself on the sand of a future that is at University of Missouri. I’m not saying that I won’t do well or progress as an individual, but I’m terrified of what could be in store for me. How do I do it on my own? How do I live up to the expectations that my parents, my friends, my family… even myself, have placed on me?
But then it occurs to me: this is only a stepping stone. The greatest achievement in my life will not be graduating from high school (as it will, unfortunately, for some of my peers); this is only the beginning of the life that I’ve chosen. My path is clear, my mind hopeful, my eyes set on His purpose for me.
High school was a journey that shaped me in multiple ways, but this is not the end of my road. Life goes on, I’ll go on. I guess I just need to remember that as I pass my tassle from right to left tonight, only to throw that cap as high as I can in the air. So high, maybe it can reach my potential.
Just maybe.
05.13.08
pray
Recently, I’ve really stated understanding the power of prayer. My life and attitude has radically started to change in a positive direction, and I do believe that this shift towards a more positive, serving attitude is due directly to praying consistently. I know I sin on a regular basis and I’ll never be close to perfect, but progressing to be more like Christ is a huge step for me. Most Christians don’t even realize that they haven’t taken the first step towards being like Him, and I’m finally down that path.
But if you do believe in a form of prayer, please pray for China and Myanmar. These two countries are in desperate situations, and no matter what kind of help America gives (or if it’s right) at all, we should think about how to support the hell that those must be living through. Any form of human suffering should be painful for all of us to endure, and I think we need to recognize that.
But when you do pray, please don’t forget about this country. Earlier this year I wrote about my fascination with school shootings and searching for their origin. This morning a forth grader at Spring Independent School in Houston, Texas threatened another child on a school bus by placing a knife to his throat. I work with nine year olds at the Boys and Girls Club of Springfield, and never have I seen anything to indicate the level of anger that this boy must have been feeling. Violence is strangling our society to the point of suffocation, and this boy was probably influenced strongly by his environment to the point of believing this action was semi-acceptable.
Just pray.
